Empty Greetings and Genuine Goodbyes: A Brief Life Review.

I.
i was born full

II.
i become empty

III.
i die full

I.
awake
apartment to small home
breathing in the air
of southern sweet talk
of the gulf war
and airplane exhaust
off to the coast
swimming in freedom
and salt water
claiming with a stick in my hand
that i'll fight a war
while i cry
as our dog
gets put to sleep
a cross country
elementary literature filled
van ride
i only see smiles
of gas station attendants
from coast to coast
i remain
internally blindfolded
getting goosebumps
at the sight of a baby deer
or a squirrel in the front yard
not understanding
parents fear
of men with guns
on the school bus
discovering playground love
by the big metal slide
and losing it
next to the wooden table
learning clothes should match
or else pretty girls will laugh
on the way to my locker
getting detention
for making the same pretty girls
laugh
for the right reasons
learning
what a kiss is
next to the yellow blur of
departing school busses
and learning
why people cry
when they can't hold hands anymore
faking a smile
for the christmas presents that are almost there
but not quite
forgetting about
reading books
the bible
creating for other reasons
than canned laughter
temporarily
and stupidly
becoming consumed in
collared shirts
and friday nights
sunny nights
that aren't too memorable
leading to years of learning
and becoming.
feeling death for the first time
in hidden tears
in the den
full of picture frames and guitars
sleeping on a pull out couch
hearing ryan adams for the first time
and understanding
c o n n e c t i o n
learning to accept
rejection
and learning to accept
being accepted
starting out on a snow covered trampoline
moving to a warm basement
moving to a playground
moving to solitude
under a barn
learning confidence
before losing innocence
happily and hesitantly
learning what true love really feels like
on a late night phone call.
starting to remember things
like books
and the bible
and wondering
why they took down the metal slide
and why did i think war was ok
while i held that stick
and holding hands
and getting kisses
and fighting
and failing tests
and learning what jealousy is
and spite is
and
really learning
what a regret is
but more importantly
realizing what an empty, useless feeling
regret
really is.
laughing
crying
holding
letting go
praying
screaming
learning
teaching
really laughing
fake laughing
disappointing
and uselessly
regretting.
having blind fun in rainbow colors
for a little bit more
until
for the first and only time ever
the internal blindfold comes off
and i really see
really
truly
see
for the first time ever
and all i see
is
pain.

II.
all i see is pain
all i hear is pain
all i read is pain
all i feel is pain
and it's real
feeling heartbreak
and reflecting
with blues playing
through laptop speakers
not understanding heartbreak
and reflecting
with folk and country playing
through quality headphones
ignoring heartbreak
and not reflecting
with hip-hop playing
in my car
on my way
to nowhere
avoiding judgement
and crying out to God
on a rainy night
where the streetlights
reflect in the road
and seem endless
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
"CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?"
involuntarily cut off
from receiving love
as a result
all alone
in an un-mowed backyard
kicking a soccer ball
searching for answers
in the slightly deflated children's toy
and in an angry rapper from new york
and in an insightful band from iceland
reflecting on all the hands i've held
which one fit the most
what poolside dialogue made me the most content
what birthday present made me the happiest
what argument made me the angriest
all of these are realized over time
with tears streaming down my face
to an appropriate soundtrack
of "I Want You" by Bob Dylan
where did happiness go?
back on the plane
driving coast to coast
in your hand
or it's still here
but wounded
on a river
or in chili's
or behind my tears
and in my memories
but it's hard to see
when i still see so much pain
even beyond me
when i stand at the door
folding clothes
faking a smile
for the rich woman
with chunky, uneven lipstick
whose eyes tell an even larger story
of sorrow and pain
i contemplate this woman
and other women
and the NBA
and expired inspections
and problems with healthcare
with smoke filled lungs
blowing warm pain out of me
to pollute the air a little more
as i sit
i wonder if happiness dies
and new happiness is born
this becomes true
as i think of my new happiness
found in
kerouac writings
under-appreciated films
giving up on a fast food fast
reggae on sunday mornings
God's love
dancing at girl talk
a new playground love
my old happiness is dead
and i still mourn it
and cry out to it and weep
thinking my old happiness
is
Lazarus
i lay in a pile of dirty clothes
on my floor
and think beyond regret
and think why am i wrong
and to a certain degree
i understand heartbreak
and reflect
while in the silence.

III.
the future can't be predicted
in emotionally biased words
but i know
that i will remember
all the things i forget
right before the end
i'll reflect on
elephants
presidents
garden gnomes
inside jokes
vinyls
a cloudy sky during a meteor shower
el nino
avril lavigne
typewriters
arguments
true love
pretty girls
regrets
email
boring books
heartbreak,
because the heartbreak of a true love
will stay
forever
as will the ability
to truly love again
but come the night
whether i'm loved or hated
happy or sad
single or taken
rich or poor
famous or not
i will die
and i will die after a roller coaster lifetime
with cloudy nights and sunny days throughout the calender
with empty greetings and genuine goodbyes
with kisses and hugs
i will die full
full of it all
i will die
full of life.
even if it kills me
to get there.